The Subtraction Lab, Issue 5: The Discomfort of Calm and Why Stillness Makes you Restless
“For those habituated to high levels of internal stress, it is the absence of stress that creates unease.”
The Problem
We say we want peace, but many of us aren’t practiced at living it. Many high-achievers and caregivers have spent so long living in a state of hyper-vigilance that a state of calm actually feels unsafe.
Be honest: Does rest make you restless?
You sit down for a moment, but your mind keeps searching for something to do. A wise client once described it as a cogwheel endlessly spinning in her mind- like a computer that refuses to go into sleep mode, always running background programs even when you think you’ve shut it down.
So, you pick up your phone. You scroll. You plan. You clean. You tell yourself you’ll relax later….when things calm down.
When work isn’t so busy. When your daughter isn’t so needy. When the house is finally clean. You imagine that once the external noise stops, then you’ll have the space to rest.
Why that doesn’t work
Basing your ability to relax on factors outside of your control is a recipe for failure and disappointment, because if calm only comes when the world cooperates, you’ll spend your whole life waiting.
When stress is your “normal,” stillness can trigger anxiety, guilt, and discomfort. After years of operating in overdrive, the absence of chaos can even feel threatening, thus the nervous system keeps reaching for something to “fix” or to “do.”
But giving in to that discomfort by staying busy only keeps the cogs endlessly spinning.
The Truth
As Dr. Gabor Maté explains, when we grow up in environments where stress is constant- whether it’s family dysfunction, the pressure to be perfect, or the need to always be “on”- our nervous system adapts to that intensity.
Over time, stress becomes our baseline. So when we finally do want to slow down, the stillness feels unfamiliar, even threatening. It’s not that we don’t want peace; it’s that our bodies have learned to equate calm with danger, and stress with safety.
But high-achievers who are flourishing understand that everything that matters in life takes effort, sacrifice, and consistency- and even some discomfort.
A Story…
As a kid, I had the misfortune of inheriting a mouthful of very crooked teeth. So, I got braces. I wore them for years until, at 17, I demanded they be removed because I could not stand them one more day.
At 19, after a boyfriend insulted my teeth, I swallowed my pride and got them put back on. A year later, braces off again, I was told to wear my retainer nightly. Did I? Of course not. Not even once.
Fast-forward to today. My bottom teeth have begun a slow, determined homecoming, like old bandmates who just couldn’t resist a reunion tour. So, I got Invisalign.
I figured I’ve entered the “self-improvement” phase of life, so why not start with a full mouth renovation?
(Plus, my son has braces, so I thought we could become partners in orthodontic endurance.)
It’s only day eight, and there hasn’t been a single minute I haven’t wanted to rip these things out and hurl them across the room. Eating is an event. Smiling is…complicated. They hurt when they’re in, and I panic when they’re out.
But I keep wearing them, because I know what’s happening beneath the surface. Tiny, invisible shifts are taking place. It’s uncomfortable. It’s awkward. It’s slow. But that’s how real change happens- whether it’s your teeth, your nervous system, or your life.
Now what?
Try this quick reset the next time you feel that pull to do instead of simply be.
Do Less to Feel Better
Follow these steps:
Notice. The first step to habit change is awareness. Start by simply acknowledging your impulse stay busy.
Feel. Take a breath. Feel the sensations arising in your body, feel the tension, feel the urge to move/think/do.
Remind. Give yourself a gentle reminder: “Nothing is wrong. My body just isn’t used to stillness yet.”
Allow. Building tolerance takes practice, so commit to sit for one full minute.
Practice. Keep practicing tiny moments of calm presence- a few minutes of slow breathing, a walk without your earbuds, sitting with your coffee instead of multitasking.
To Sum it Up…
We spend so long surviving on stress that contentment feels foreign.
But real change, in our nervous system or our lives, begins when we learn to stay still long enough to let the shift happen.
Discomfort isn’t a sign something’s wrong. It’s proof that transformation is underway.
Keep subtracting,
Amy
P.S. If your nervous system is craving a real reset, join me this summer in sunny Portugal. Our retreat is designed to help you slow down, soften the noise, and remember what calm actually feels like. Explore the retreat.
