The Subtraction Lab, Issue 7: The Cost of Codependence.
“We are not responsible for other people’s feelings, actions, or problems. We are only responsible for our own”
Hey there! I'm so glad you’re here. This week we’re unpacking something that doesn’t get talked about nearly enough: codependency. It’s one of those topics that can feel uncomfortable at first, but stay with me- it’s an important one. Let's dive in!
The Problem
I once worked with a client who joked that her unofficial title was “Director of Everything”- responsible for everyone’s moods, every crisis, and the entire household operation. She was the steady one, the fixer, the emotional anchor. But that meant her ability to rest, enjoy her mornings, or even leave the house for an hour depended entirely on whether everyone else was okay.
If her kids were melting down, she dropped her routine. When her partner was having a bad day, she slipped into damage-control mode, carefully managing his emotions, shielding the kids from tension, and putting her own needs on hold so she wouldn’t make things “harder” for him.
At work, the pattern was the same. As a high-ranking executive, she was known for stepping in to smooth things over, mediate conflicts, and take on extra projects “just to make sure things got done right.” She said yes even when she was exhausted, driven by the belief that if she didn’t take over, things would fall apart… or that it was simply easier if she handled it herself. Over time, this constant over-functioning left her depleted, resentful, and quietly doubting whether she’d ever be able to relax without something crashing down around her.
Why That Doesn’t Work
When your wellbeing is tied to other people’s moods or the next crisis at work, self-care becomes conditional, something you can only access when everyone else behaves. That’s not selflessness, it’s dependence disguised as responsibility.
Trying to manage everyone else’s emotions is a losing game: It keeps you reactive instead of present, drained instead of connected, and needed instead of free.
The Truth
High-capacity people who are flourishing understand that genuine care begins with honoring their own needs before trying to meet everyone else’s. They know they can offer love and support without assuming responsibility for anyone else’s choices or emotions. They’ve learned that detaching doesn’t mean you stop caring- it means you trust others to handle what’s theirs and trust yourself to handle what’s yours.
Now What?
Let me show you how this works with a real example, the research behind it, and simple steps you can try today.
Real World Example
Back to the client I was telling you about. During our sessions, we started to imagine what it would look like if her time for health and happiness weren’t dependent on everyone else’s emotional states or the demands of her job.
What if she could let her family’s stress belong to them, and still move her own body in the morning? What if she could close her laptop at a reasonable hour and not rush in to smooth over every rough edge?
She began experimenting with small shifts, like taking a walk even when someone was grumpy, keeping her morning routine even when work issues were pressing, and most importantly- letting others manage their own discomfort.
The more she practiced, the more she realized that peace and rest weren’t rewards to be earned once everyone else was stable, they were necessities that made her stability possible. Little by little, she began to reclaim her energy and her sense of self.
The Rationale
If you’ve ever found yourself over-functioning for everyone else or feeling emotionally drained by the people around you, it might be a sign of codependency. I know that word can make people flinch, but hear me out. It's not an accusation and it’s definitely not your fault. It’s just a pattern you learned along the way, and the good news is that it can be unlearned.
Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More is a landmark book that explores codependency as a pattern of losing oneself in the process of caring for others- often in ways that are unhealthy, unsustainable, and self-erasing.
Beattie explains that codependency isn’t about caring too much; it’s about caring in a way that costs you your peace. Her work teaches readers how to break free from these patterns by setting boundaries, practicing self-care, and focusing on personal needs rather than trying to control, fix, or “rescue” others.
As Beattie (1992) writes, “Many of us don't know it's okay to do things differently. Many of us don't even understand what we've been doing hasn't been working. Most of us have been so busy responding to other people's problems what we haven't had time to identify, much less take care of, our own problems.” (Codependence No More, p. 40).
Her insights are deeply aligned with what we see in modern psychology and self-determination research- that autonomy, self-responsibility, and emotional boundaries are foundational to well-being.
Luckily, the process of untangling from codependent patterns doesn’t require a total life overhaul. Just a few small, consistent shifts in how you respond can make a world of difference.
Follow these steps:
Here are a few steps to help you start separating compassion from control.
1. Pause before rescuing. Ask yourself, “Is this mine to fix?”
2. Name your role. Supporter, not savior.
3. Use empowerment language to set your boundary. “I care about you and trust you to handle this.”
4. Read the book. Order Codependent No More and start by reviewing the list of codependency characteristics on pages 41-50 to develop your awareness.
To Sum it Up…
Freedom begins where over-functioning ends.When we let go of managing everyone else’s chaos and focus on what’s truly ours to carry, that’s when real peace begins.
Keep subtracting,
Amy
