The Subtraction Lab, Issue 8: How to Stop Bracing for Impact

Nov 6

“If we’re willing to give up hope that insecurity and pain can be exterminated, then we can have the courage to relax with the groundlessness of our situation.”

— Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart

The Problem

The other day I was talking to a friend who’s been navigating some really tough parenting challenges. As she shared what the last few months have been like, I could feel the exhaustion in her voice - the way every day seemed to start on uncertain ground.

From the outside, she’s the picture of stability: A successful career, warm home, beautiful family. But inside, she’s bracing herself, stuck in fight-or-flight, just waiting to see how the day will go, gauging her own peace by her child’s mood.

She told me, “It’s like I can’t relax until I know things will stay okay… but they never really do.”

That sentence has stayed with me. Because what she’s describing isn’t just stress- it’s the deeper anxiety that comes from trying to anchor yourself to something that keeps changing. She wasn’t fighting the problem in front of her anymore; she was fighting uncertainty itself; the fragile, unpredictable nature of being human.

Why That Doesn’t Work

Most of us are taught to chase safety by controlling outcomes - to fix, plan, or perfect our way into calm. But control only gives temporary relief. Life continues to move, and so do the emotions, circumstances, and people we love.

When we cling to the hope that everything will stay steady, we end up tightening our grip instead of softening into presence. The more we monitor and manage, the more exhausted we become and the less capacity we have for the very peace we’re searching for.

The Truth

Pema Chödrön’s words remind us that the point isn’t to eliminate pain or uncertainty, but to relate to them differently.

What if calm wasn’t the absence of change, but learning how to stay steady in the middle of it? What if steadiness didn’t mean never shaking, but learning how to breathe even while things move beneath us?

When we stop insisting that life should feel predictable, something loosens. There’s space for compassion. For curiosity. Even for small moments of joy that aren’t contingent on everything being okay.

High capacity people who are flourishing understand that feeling uncertain doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re human, and you’re learning how to trust yourself when things aren’t clear.

Now What?

Let me show you how this works with a real example, the research behind it, and simple steps you can try today.

Real World Example

In coaching, I often talk about practicing emotional presence, the ability to stay with what’s happening instead of rushing to fix it. It’s the simple, courageous act of giving space to your current experience rather than trying to make it go away.

I’ve been working on this myself. When anxiety or frustration rises, I pause and place a hand on my heart. Instead of spiraling into problem-solving, I remind myself, “This is hard, and that’s okay. I can hold this feeling with kindness.”

It’s not about instant peace, though you'd be surprised at how fast it works- often times just 30 seconds of intentional presence is enough to notice a shift. But truly, it’s all about staying with what’s real long enough to soften, ever so slightly. It’s learning how to find calm within uncertainty, not outside of it.

I shared this with my friend recently, and she’s been trying it too. Little by little, she’s discovering that peace doesn’t come from everything going right- it comes from releasing the need for it to.

The Rationale

Acceptance-based approaches in psychology echo this wisdom. Studies show that experiential avoidance- trying to suppress or escape difficult emotions- is strongly linked to higher stress and burnout. In contrast, acceptance and mindfulness practices reduce physiological stress and improve well-being by training the brain to tolerate uncertainty rather than control it.

This isn’t passivity; it’s skillful allowing. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), this practice helps people move toward values-aligned action even while discomfort is present. It’s what makes genuine resilience possible.

Follow these steps:

To begin cultivating emotional presence, it starts with a single breath. When tension builds or emotions get big, take one slow breath and let your body soften instead of bracing for impact. Then, try this:

Pause before problem-solving. Notice the impulse to fix or control.
Place a hand on your heart and name what’s here. “This is fear.” “This is uncertainty.”
Practice self-compassion. Remind yourself, “This is hard, and that’s okay. I can hold this feeling with kindness.”
Ground in your body. Feel your feet, drop your shoulders, lengthen your exhale.
Stay a few seconds longer. Let the feelings rise and fall without interference.