Overcoming People Pleasing
People Pleasing Behavior
How often do you agree to take on more work or extra responsibilities when you really want to say “No”? Are you living in a perpetual state of overwhelm, wondering how you will fulfill all of your commitments? Do you go to great lengths to avoid conflict? Perhaps you withhold your opinion if it differs from others, or frequently apologize for behaviors that did not cause harm. If any of the above sound familiar, then you may be a people pleaser.
The Problem with People Pleasing
People pleasing is the act of accommodating the needs of others to avoid conflict or negative feelings – even if you don’t particularly enjoy what you’re doing. People pleasers sacrifice their own needs and wellbeing in an effort to keep everyone around them happy. For people pleasers, just the thought of prioritizing themselves or voicing their true opinion can lead to feeling guilty or anxious. And as a result of constantly overextending themselves, suppressing their own feelings or needs, and pushing past their limits, people pleasers are prone to feeling resentful and often experience mental fatigue and burnout.
Case Study: Sarah, a Recovering People Pleaser
I was recently working with a client who I’ll call Sarah. Sarah is a college-educated professional woman in her 30s who embodies the characteristics of a people pleaser. With her charming personality and innate desire to make others happy, Sarah often goes above and beyond to meet the expectations of those around her.
Can you relate?
Sarah has always been an ambitious high-performer. She is known for her exceptional work ethic, reliability, and dedication to achieving success. Colleagues appreciate her willingness to lend a helping hand, and she often takes on additional responsibilities to ensure the team's goals are met.
Outside of work, Sarah's people-pleasing tendencies extend into her personal life. She is always the first to volunteer for community projects, participate in social gatherings, or assist friends and family with their needs. Sarah's compassionate nature allows her to empathize with others easily, making her a source of comfort during challenging times.
The Downside of People Pleasing
While Sarah's people-pleasing traits may appear admirable, they come at a great personal cost. She often sacrifices her own needs and desires to accommodate others, leading to feelings of exhaustion, and causing her to neglect self-care. Sarah finds it challenging to say no, fearing that she might disappoint or upset those who rely on her. This results in a sense of overwhelm and an imbalance in her own wellbeing.
How to Overcome People Pleasing Behaviors
Together, Sarah and I worked on identifying and challenging her negative thoughts. She learned how to assertive communication skills to calmly and respectfully communicate her needs, learned to set boundaries (with herself and with others), and learned how to practice acceptance and self-compassion.
Sarah is now able to say, “Let me think about that and get back to you,” before making a commitment. She is becoming more comfortable with saying “no thanks” when she doesn’t want to do something. And she has gained tremendous confidence in setting boundaries. Best of all, Sarah now has extra time in her schedule to do the things that bring her joy- without feeling guilty about it.
Want to learn specific strategies to overcome your own people-pleasing habits?
I recently put together a list of 6 specific steps that you can start using now to break free from the people-pleasing behaviors that have kept you stuck. Head on over to find out!
